Have your ever wondered?

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be different? 

wonder what it would feel like to have a noose around your neck

or swallow a handful of pills.

Dress in a way that expresses your inner self even if it calls for latex.

Feel empty inside because you threw up or haven't eaten in days.

Feel too scared to open your own door to go outside.

Make yourself unnoticeable because you can't look in someone's eyes. 

Scared of the dark even though your kids grew out of that fear years ago.

Cry yourself to sleep for no reason.

Eat until you are beyond full because its comforting.

Slice your skin open with a blade because you couldn't control yourself

Repeat. repeat. repeat. repeat. repeat. repeat yourself because you have a magic number.

Hear voices that no one else can because they are all in your head.

Unable to control your own body because someone else took over it.

Unable to sit still or pay attention.

Be rejected by the people you grew up with because you changed.

Have you really ever wondered how awful it is to be different? 

To be ridiculed by someone who claims to be normal.

Losing love

Every now and again someone strolls through your life who has a keen eye for you and tells you of great futures and treats you with gifts and jokes. You fall in love or at least like you give that someone a chance and you are struck blind. Patterns develop and you live your illusion.

I love you... I love you too. 

Months pass and every meeting ends in tears of sadness or frustration. You feel choked you can't be yourself you are playing a role of another. They spin you more tales and give you gifts that make you smile again until the roses fade and petals drop. The happiness that they see is fake its false you only find shelter alone in your room.
Getting away is difficult and the separation seems agonizing to think of... but then... A moment of clarity in separation. Your mind calm analyses the web. A web full of patterns, memories, flowers and gifts. Disillusioned you come to your senses you can't stay in a web you escaped a cage just to run into a web. A web that promises so much yet will only give a little. Promises to fix the broken pieces but it's been said too many times.

One more chance... 

...but...the web...  

But I love you. 

No words can pass from your lips. You can't agree on their level it's unfair..

I can't. Is all you can muster. I can't...